I was struggling to be “in my body”

Our client, Mille, reflects on her incredible journey with Movement and Psychodrama therapy groups…

I have been at Recover for ten months now, and after recently joining Movement and Psychodrama group- a lot has shifted.

I want to share my experience of them with you.

I have always very much struggled to “be in my body”. To me this meant that weather I was going through a “good” or “bad” patch, either way, I felt crippled with a sense of shame and anxiety. I found meditation excruciating at first because my whole body just felt like it was squirming all the time. I struggled to find ways to help me cope that where sustainable and not self abusive.

So anyway – I started Movement grow and Psychodrama less than a month ago. These groups where very different to the other more “process” style groups I had been in- I had to stand up- and be present in my body, as opposed to be able to hunch over on the floor or sofa with a blanket protecting me.

I didn’t realise I would find this so challenging.

I felt really very exposed and uncomfortable. Of course I had stood up in a group of people before – but I had always been “doing something” or had a drink in my hand or a cigarette. In these the first few sessions I felt very exposed and vulnerable. I wanted to leave, but I stayed.

We do a lot of talking about how we feel here- and well I tried to just describe how I was feeling in that moment.

It was hard to describe, and rather than being able to articulate how I felt in the moment – I  could relate it to past experiences and situations where I had felt the same.

I did some more work on these memories- I didn’t have to go to deep into them- I wrote to my therapist about them and talked about how I felt about them in my one to one- and in that I felt a huge shift in how I felt in my body day to day.

I suddenly understood how able the body and mind is to heal when you listen and respond to it in kind ways.

Over the past few weeks I have felt completely differently in my body. I feel strong, confident, free and accepting. I stand upright and open and I feel open to the world around me. I want to be there for my body as a friend, and now when I feel discomfort or pain I take this as a message that my body is trying to tell me something- and I try to listen and respond in kind ways.

For so long I have tried to run, mask, and bury the pain and discomfort I felt- I felt scared of it- that it was unwanted, bad and wrong. Now I understand that by allowing it, accepting it, giving it space, asking questions, and responding to what it is telling me, that it can actually help me heal, and to take care of myself.

It is exciting, and I am so grateful to have been encouraged to start these groups.

Thanks Recover- you rock. x

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