by our lovely client, Mille, Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2017
Having an eating disorder is sh*t, it really is boring and crap and horrendous and painful.
I have been in recovery for a good while now, and I still struggle. But however near to hopelessness, I can feel at times. Every morning my faith is restored, and this has allowed me to keep going.
I like to think of it as being reborn everyday: I have a affirmation on a fluorescent green whiteboard in my kitchen which says:
“Everyday I am reborn, I wake up, remember my love list and focus on the little things which make me happy, I will never loose faith in you Mille”.
I have been through difficult times over and over, and in the past it really did feel like the end of the world; it would cripple me, and I would shutdown…unable to even see the possibility of a tomorrow. I would be overcome with shame, and push everyone who cared about me far, far away…often by hurting them indirectly by harming myself. Things would accumulate and get out of hand, and because I was so afraid and ashamed to share how much I was struggling, it took me to extreme places which I feel very sad about.
I guess the biggest thing I have learnt in my journey so far is that by hurting myself further, and not accepting and facing setbacks, literally nothing comes from it. My eating disorder thrives off shame and secrecy, and the further into it I get, the more I get hurt, the bigger the consequences are, and the more pain it causes everyone around me.
It’s sh*t, it’s embarrassing, and it’s really fu*king hard to admit you’re falling back or struggling. However, it is really the biggest fu*k you to my eating disorder. And every time, I decided to forgive myself…have a bath, listen to a sleep story and let go of the day, knowing I have a group of kind and caring people to ask for support from tomorrow. I know that my eating disorder is slowly shrinking.
Recovery is not perfect: it teaches us imperfection in extreme ways sometimes, and to allow this and keep going anyway, I know deep in my heart is the only way!!!
I know that recovery is possible, I have had glimpses and periods of feeling alive and free, and there is no way I could ever give in to my eating disorder completely anymore. There is too much fun, joy, love and experiences out there that I want. Falling back and struggling is not giving in- and with reflection, compassion, and courage we can learn from these times. I have learnt some of the most fundamental lessons during my darkest times.
But remember this: everyday is a new day. Not a day to be perfect, but a day to try and let go of a little more self-criticism, and embrace a little more fun, faith and trust in the process.
I feel proud to be part of a community of strong women who inspire me everyday, and I feel proud to have found faith. Because I know ultimately it will set me free.