When I look back, I can hear the soundtrack of my life playing along with my memories. Dancing on my dad’s feet to Rock and Roll Girls. The cassette tape that he listened to while he was getting ready for nightshift. My brothers and I standing beside him with shaving cream on our faces and popsicle sticks in our hands. Sitting beside my mom in our station wagon, driving to the city for back to school shopping and squealing along to Hey Jude and Piece of my Heart. When I had my first heartbreak and listened to The First Cut is the Deepest, over and over with tears in my eyes and hopelessness in my heart. There are songs that years later still hurt to listen to, and ones that make me bounce with joy when the first chords begin to play through my radio speakers. Songs that remind me of sweaty nights dancing with friends, songs that were just so much better in concert and songs that remind me of the people who are no longer with me. Almost all of my most vivid memories have their own personal musical score.
Throughout my recovery journey, I have been learning new ways to deal with my overwhelming thoughts and emotions. Everyone has different things that work for them and for me, writing has been one of my most useful tools. But what about those moments where I just couldn’t bring myself to write? When I was so overwhelmed that doing anything felt like too much? Or what about those moments where I felt absolutely nothing, how do you write when you can’t feel? What did I do then?
I discovered my answer when I was in the midst of one of my difficult moments and just wanted to lay on my bed and listen to something, anything that would help me feel better. I searched for eating disorder recovery playlists on my phone, and unsurprisingly nothing of note came up. I decided at that moment to make my own. Songs that would help lift me up when I needed a reminder that I was enough, songs that would help me cry when I was struggling to feel and songs that reminded me that I am not alone in this battle. I spent hours listening to different songs and trying to find the ones that would mean the most to me. That playlist has now become one of my most powerful tools for recovery and I encourage you to make your own. Perhaps a positivity playlist, or maybe one that will help you cry when you need to. I’m still traversing the path through my recovery and I’m enjoying being able to make my own musical score, at least for this part of my journey.
Written by Catherine
DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE
We believe in inspiring and empowering all women to move beyond destructive coping strategies and to learn how to love who they really are. There is a more meaningful future out there waiting for you, free from trauma, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, anxiety and depression, and we are here to show you the way. Reach out to our friendly advice team confidentially today to learn more about how our outpatient clinic and/or online program can be tailored to you.
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