I’m still in awe at the idea that one could perhaps withstand the tsunami of feelings and actually be ok just accepting them without trying to rationalise them. I really can’t conceive the possibility of being drenched in the scalding torrent of anxiety attacks and not trying to dismantle the complex feelings into components that I can understand and control.
Control. The ultimate illusion. The illusion or belief that one is or can be in control is so powerful. Most of my panic attacks come from attempts to control or rationalise what is uncontrollable. It’s also so unfair to impose on myself the impossible task of being in control of what is inherently uncontrollable.
Again the pattern of being so hard and unforgiving to myself, and the double standards associated with it. Some behavioural patterns just repeat themselves over and over again. And for a reason, surely.
The funniest thing is that even when writing this I am rationalising the situation, which is perhaps the very thing that I should avoid. At the same time I have this feeling that if I can achieve a state in which I can cope with the feelings and be ok this would be life changing.